I went back to the old flat

So this is the timeline:

Me and my ex get together for around 2 years and we stayed in his flat → we moved to my parents’ house after my 1st child was born → we stayed there until I divorced my ex

And I’ve never went back to that old flat since then.

I did plan to go back, but not to tear up the scars, I was curious how would I feel. Would I feel sad because of good memories? Would I feel angry? Would I feel disappointed? Honestly my perspective toward the person has completely changed after the divorce. I don’t hate him, I’ve never had that strong feeling toward anyone. At most I just think he’s weak, but that’s not even criticizing (no actually it is lol), I think everyone who cheat are just trying to fuck with other person’s life by putting those people who shared 50% of the relationship in dark place, for whatever reason that eventually would just be selfishness and greediness. Ok that’s my general thought toward people who cheat, but really I was also thinking, how the fuck I allowed this to happen? How come I knew NOTHING about it for some months already? I wanna know if I was closing my eyes because I also wanted something from him and that is important to me at that point or just important to me at all, but it’s also too embarrassing to admit because what I wanted were/are pretty shallow?

Of course.

I broke up with a friend/ex out of blue, I was vulnerable, I was afraid that people tend to leave me after a while, I was afraid to be left alone, I was scared, I was sad, I was lost.

And he just came to my life romantically and everything happened so fast, like we like each other and he said a lot of sweet words which I needed. I was diving in that relationship because I believe he was there to “justify" my absurd love life.

Turned out he was lying to his ex as well. Oh well.

So on the way back to that flat, btw, it was completely unplanned, yesterday was CNY’ EVE and hence my mother ordered some roasted pork for the big dinner and I was sent to get those, the pork shop is around the area where the flat is. So I thought “might just take a look and see how would I feel."

It has changed a bit, new metro station is built, many more shops around, the bakery shop at the corner was refurbished so it looks much more fancier, the market is still very busy, the night market, the noodle shop, the places to go for quick lunch or dinner, the juice shop, the Starbucks for some weekend mornings.

Places are there, memories are there, my feelings ofc have changed, but yes those are parts of my life, part of me. I could not deny, I did trust this person who later proves that I should not. I did feel we’re a home together, I did want to make that home safe and strong. It just didn’t work. It takes two to work together, he is just not the right person for me. Having kids, had a marriage, really didn’t make it more tragic on my end, it’s biological, it’s legal, and the base of those were two people, but the two people aren’t the right fit, so now I’m a single mom. Really it was just those process that make this story sounds like a tragedy, but didn’t I just got out of a unfit relationship? I’m not counting his duty as a biological dad in this, that’s not left for me to comment and I won’t comment. I’m just talking about this failed relationship that I am no longer in.

So what was the biggest inspiration of this revisiting trip?

“I wonder who is living there, who’s the owner of that boxer? Does he also think the sink is too dark at night for washing dishes?"

I have many doubts on the way there, but that’s the only thing I was thinking about on the way back.

Thank you flat.