Real niceness needs some space

So I met this guy for a dinner near the lake park. It was spontaneous, I needed to go on a date. My relationship with having a date is that I need to process to talk about my thoughts and my life and see how they’re received and responded by another person. Also I need to feel pretty, and I always sorta present the best version of myself (like, make myself kissable and f*****able on the appearance). And I just need testosterone for that sorta effort. It just the way things work on me.

So we should met at 7pm, 6:52pm I was 2 mins away from the restaurant and received his message then “I’m waiting outside." What a perfect timing! I told him this when we were having a conversation about “since when you started to like me" (I know, very teen-ish but also sweet so shut up!). 6:52pm is like almost guaranteeing that he’ll be the one who arrived first but not too early that I’ll feel bad that I made him wait for long (although in that case he made himself waste time in waiting really). So we entered the place, I was smiling and friendly, so as he. I actually forget what have we talked about, just remember it was pleasant and he was quick and witty, and we shared food! That’s a good sign that none of us were shy exchanging saliva (well… I took his food before he took any but I didn’t let him take a sip of my berry smoothie (he shared burgers and kiwi smoothie when they’re freshly served), he asked if he could try after I took several sipping already so really it was him asking for my liquid to be inside him lol).

I find it so sexy when he used his Apple Watch to pay the dinner, it’s not just the “man gets the bill" thing. It’s f–cking fast and cool!

We had a walk in the park and he used the kidney harvesting joke which I like. We sit in the pavilion, we talked a bit about his job, his ex, our perspectives on love and relationship. By the time I had to leave, we walked together to the metro station and I could feel that he wanted to touch me. That feels good.

And our second date we went to a bar, which is very enjoyable as well. I was definitely jollier than I usually am. We talked a lot of goofy shit, flirt a bit here and there, and when I went to the restroom of course I was picturing him staring at my ass lol. I had whiskey cuz I’m a boring old fuck, he had a drink with a cinnamon stick that he brought home for his homemade mulled wine later. We had deep fried seafood. Oh yes I should mention this, so Jerry knows my dating history and we had a very meaningful conversation about sex before, in short, we don’t think sex could just be sex and that sorta “relationship" could really last long if any one only wanted sex. He suggested that maybe I should postpone sex in my future dates. Which I totally agree! So on this person I really wanted to make sex happen later, so that night when he walked me to my scooter, he put his arms around me and I was like “is it what you do? that’s your style?". I wasn’t accusing him but definitely sarcastic about his move. So he took his arms back, that night ended fairly… awkward.

And how I justify that? Few days later I texted him “I want you." Sorta outta nowhere. And few minutes passed he hasn’t read that message. I was like “not too late to save myself from breaking my own experiment on postponing the sex!" and withdrew the messages. BUT then he asked about it, wondering if those were meant to be sent to another person or not and I just went “oh so it is something I send but then feel embarrassed sending, which is “I want you"". Cool. Turned out he liked that message.

And a day after Christmas, I feel so good cuz I HAD SEX WITH THIS COOL PERSON!

A little episode was, before I was about to have sex with this gentleman, I received a message from the vanished guy that I was mingling with over a month ago. Of course I ignore him. It is so interesting when heart wants what it wants, nothing really stops it, not even past ghosts, I just really want to do this fucking cool person and it was so, so magical. I love how gentle he sounds when he talks but he could definitely contain me in bed which really fit my style.

So yeah we’re being sorta sweet to each other now. I occasionally feel vulnerable for this as this is new, and this is how I and my body react to a new situation, I just am not overthink it and try to have fun as much as I can. I’m fairly open with this guy and I also let him be him, which means, I can sometimes sense that there’s sorta a bit of distance from him and thought maybe he needs that just as I do so I’ll let him. I won’t ask questions cuz I hate people asking “what’s going on" when I just needed my alone time. Ok I’m not too sure how much of that is I’m trying to act cool and not being too fragile about this. But I really need to know I’m not much affected by this quote and quote relationship and could still do my little tiny daily routine and be comfortable with the idea that I’m still the me who has a life that I love and still having a sweet thing with him. Burdens aren’t the things I want to put on my shoulder.

So I looked into what I want at this moment, I think as for now he’s perfect. I don’t need to worry about f— a person that I don’t fully like. I don’t need to worry about my limited time cuz he’s really just a few miles away. I don’t need to worry about him wanting a girlfriend and I needed to adjust my life to fit that shape.

Yes you’re not wrong, I’m trying to stand on the ground to avoid having weird expectations that might make things too difficult for us. Not sure it’s healthy, but do I want to change it? No. I really enjoy the animalistic sex we’re sharing now. I’ll just follow my heart and my vagina (lol).