Really? Indeed.

So I left this man I had great time together for two months.

Right after Valentine’s Day.

Have I thought of giving us a chance to be in happiness?

Yes sure.

I left cuz I see things that I could not compromise.

They may seem nothing if I record them here one by one, but they’re not nothing to me.

It has changed (or revealed its true nature), I think it won’t get better (better = the way I feel good and comfortable) as time goes, and I don’t want to deal with it in the future.

I can be harsh, I allow myself to, after all this is our hearts and lives we’re talking about. Heart wants what it wants and I don’t want to fight against my instinct or ignore it.

So I left.

I feel calm, empty, a little drained, a little bored, relieved.

Lesson learnt:

a. Never promise something that you think is equal to what your partner promised you first. (he said that he would only date me and I said/did the same, I told my past dates that I’m exclusively dating someone so I’m not available. The reason why I regret doing so is, that’s his personal choice, not mine. I could have giving myself more time, even if I know I wasn’t gonna date anyone else. That way I don’t need to “take my words back" when that promise is not needed.)

b. Never give address in the early stage of dating. Well you never know what a person could do to you.

c. Never call anyone babe in the early stage of dating. What comes fast, goes fast, it also makes you sound cruel when things end.

d. If there’s inconsistency in the whole thing, if you feel there’s something that could not fit the puzzle, DOUBT. You instinct is a very important compass in life.

e. Delete him on Facebook/Instagram/LinkedIn right after the “breakup", once you make up your mind, nothing more needed to be said, not even a “happy birthday" on your BDay.

f. Ask away while dating, isn’t it what it is for? Getting to know someone better?

g. A selfish person would never tell you that they’re selfish. But you just could sense that in little things. You don’t need proof, how you truly feel is the best evidence. Selfish persons are very skilled in disguising them under the cover of a positive image.

h. If he said he would do this for you but didn’t do it, you’re probably not as important as he told you in his heart (and ofc he won’t tell you that). Little things count. Very little things count. He said those things to impress you.
i. If you’re like me, very lazy in doubting your partners and being paranoid if they’re lying to you all the time. Don’t give a chance for strike 2, be with those who cherish you and won’t risk in using strike 1.

j. Too much too soon, red flag. Too much love bombs in the early stage, red flag. Done everything with you and never talked about having a relationship with you but also doesn’t want you to date other people, red flag (I mean, what is that?).

k. Love bomber says a lot of things that they think you’d want/eager to hear. Have some self control, think about whether those are really helping you being a better person in life? Think about if those are really in practice or most of them are up in the air?

l. Even if you’re not satisfied with this date, no need to explain in detail cuz no one wants to hear criticism. Find a chance to leave, and wish the person all the best. Do it in an adult way.

I went back to the old flat

So this is the timeline:

Me and my ex get together for around 2 years and we stayed in his flat → we moved to my parents’ house after my 1st child was born → we stayed there until I divorced my ex

And I’ve never went back to that old flat since then.

I did plan to go back, but not to tear up the scars, I was curious how would I feel. Would I feel sad because of good memories? Would I feel angry? Would I feel disappointed? Honestly my perspective toward the person has completely changed after the divorce. I don’t hate him, I’ve never had that strong feeling toward anyone. At most I just think he’s weak, but that’s not even criticizing (no actually it is lol), I think everyone who cheat are just trying to fuck with other person’s life by putting those people who shared 50% of the relationship in dark place, for whatever reason that eventually would just be selfishness and greediness. Ok that’s my general thought toward people who cheat, but really I was also thinking, how the fuck I allowed this to happen? How come I knew NOTHING about it for some months already? I wanna know if I was closing my eyes because I also wanted something from him and that is important to me at that point or just important to me at all, but it’s also too embarrassing to admit because what I wanted were/are pretty shallow?

Of course.

I broke up with a friend/ex out of blue, I was vulnerable, I was afraid that people tend to leave me after a while, I was afraid to be left alone, I was scared, I was sad, I was lost.

And he just came to my life romantically and everything happened so fast, like we like each other and he said a lot of sweet words which I needed. I was diving in that relationship because I believe he was there to “justify" my absurd love life.

Turned out he was lying to his ex as well. Oh well.

So on the way back to that flat, btw, it was completely unplanned, yesterday was CNY’ EVE and hence my mother ordered some roasted pork for the big dinner and I was sent to get those, the pork shop is around the area where the flat is. So I thought “might just take a look and see how would I feel."

It has changed a bit, new metro station is built, many more shops around, the bakery shop at the corner was refurbished so it looks much more fancier, the market is still very busy, the night market, the noodle shop, the places to go for quick lunch or dinner, the juice shop, the Starbucks for some weekend mornings.

Places are there, memories are there, my feelings ofc have changed, but yes those are parts of my life, part of me. I could not deny, I did trust this person who later proves that I should not. I did feel we’re a home together, I did want to make that home safe and strong. It just didn’t work. It takes two to work together, he is just not the right person for me. Having kids, had a marriage, really didn’t make it more tragic on my end, it’s biological, it’s legal, and the base of those were two people, but the two people aren’t the right fit, so now I’m a single mom. Really it was just those process that make this story sounds like a tragedy, but didn’t I just got out of a unfit relationship? I’m not counting his duty as a biological dad in this, that’s not left for me to comment and I won’t comment. I’m just talking about this failed relationship that I am no longer in.

So what was the biggest inspiration of this revisiting trip?

“I wonder who is living there, who’s the owner of that boxer? Does he also think the sink is too dark at night for washing dishes?"

I have many doubts on the way there, but that’s the only thing I was thinking about on the way back.

Thank you flat.

Real niceness needs some space

So I met this guy for a dinner near the lake park. It was spontaneous, I needed to go on a date. My relationship with having a date is that I need to process to talk about my thoughts and my life and see how they’re received and responded by another person. Also I need to feel pretty, and I always sorta present the best version of myself (like, make myself kissable and f*****able on the appearance). And I just need testosterone for that sorta effort. It just the way things work on me.

So we should met at 7pm, 6:52pm I was 2 mins away from the restaurant and received his message then “I’m waiting outside." What a perfect timing! I told him this when we were having a conversation about “since when you started to like me" (I know, very teen-ish but also sweet so shut up!). 6:52pm is like almost guaranteeing that he’ll be the one who arrived first but not too early that I’ll feel bad that I made him wait for long (although in that case he made himself waste time in waiting really). So we entered the place, I was smiling and friendly, so as he. I actually forget what have we talked about, just remember it was pleasant and he was quick and witty, and we shared food! That’s a good sign that none of us were shy exchanging saliva (well… I took his food before he took any but I didn’t let him take a sip of my berry smoothie (he shared burgers and kiwi smoothie when they’re freshly served), he asked if he could try after I took several sipping already so really it was him asking for my liquid to be inside him lol).

I find it so sexy when he used his Apple Watch to pay the dinner, it’s not just the “man gets the bill" thing. It’s f–cking fast and cool!

We had a walk in the park and he used the kidney harvesting joke which I like. We sit in the pavilion, we talked a bit about his job, his ex, our perspectives on love and relationship. By the time I had to leave, we walked together to the metro station and I could feel that he wanted to touch me. That feels good.

And our second date we went to a bar, which is very enjoyable as well. I was definitely jollier than I usually am. We talked a lot of goofy shit, flirt a bit here and there, and when I went to the restroom of course I was picturing him staring at my ass lol. I had whiskey cuz I’m a boring old fuck, he had a drink with a cinnamon stick that he brought home for his homemade mulled wine later. We had deep fried seafood. Oh yes I should mention this, so Jerry knows my dating history and we had a very meaningful conversation about sex before, in short, we don’t think sex could just be sex and that sorta “relationship" could really last long if any one only wanted sex. He suggested that maybe I should postpone sex in my future dates. Which I totally agree! So on this person I really wanted to make sex happen later, so that night when he walked me to my scooter, he put his arms around me and I was like “is it what you do? that’s your style?". I wasn’t accusing him but definitely sarcastic about his move. So he took his arms back, that night ended fairly… awkward.

And how I justify that? Few days later I texted him “I want you." Sorta outta nowhere. And few minutes passed he hasn’t read that message. I was like “not too late to save myself from breaking my own experiment on postponing the sex!" and withdrew the messages. BUT then he asked about it, wondering if those were meant to be sent to another person or not and I just went “oh so it is something I send but then feel embarrassed sending, which is “I want you"". Cool. Turned out he liked that message.

And a day after Christmas, I feel so good cuz I HAD SEX WITH THIS COOL PERSON!

A little episode was, before I was about to have sex with this gentleman, I received a message from the vanished guy that I was mingling with over a month ago. Of course I ignore him. It is so interesting when heart wants what it wants, nothing really stops it, not even past ghosts, I just really want to do this fucking cool person and it was so, so magical. I love how gentle he sounds when he talks but he could definitely contain me in bed which really fit my style.

So yeah we’re being sorta sweet to each other now. I occasionally feel vulnerable for this as this is new, and this is how I and my body react to a new situation, I just am not overthink it and try to have fun as much as I can. I’m fairly open with this guy and I also let him be him, which means, I can sometimes sense that there’s sorta a bit of distance from him and thought maybe he needs that just as I do so I’ll let him. I won’t ask questions cuz I hate people asking “what’s going on" when I just needed my alone time. Ok I’m not too sure how much of that is I’m trying to act cool and not being too fragile about this. But I really need to know I’m not much affected by this quote and quote relationship and could still do my little tiny daily routine and be comfortable with the idea that I’m still the me who has a life that I love and still having a sweet thing with him. Burdens aren’t the things I want to put on my shoulder.

So I looked into what I want at this moment, I think as for now he’s perfect. I don’t need to worry about f— a person that I don’t fully like. I don’t need to worry about my limited time cuz he’s really just a few miles away. I don’t need to worry about him wanting a girlfriend and I needed to adjust my life to fit that shape.

Yes you’re not wrong, I’m trying to stand on the ground to avoid having weird expectations that might make things too difficult for us. Not sure it’s healthy, but do I want to change it? No. I really enjoy the animalistic sex we’re sharing now. I’ll just follow my heart and my vagina (lol).

Start 2022 good

So … at the end of 2021, I closed up things I didn’t want with this person I started a connection romantically. My feelings changed as I saw his responses to some shit, those were so unbearably uptight and self-centered. I won’t be able to see a person I care for being so passively ignorant. Also the basic issue that will never be sorted, like, EVER! Which is, he doesn’t smell good. I mean, medical help, dude! You can’t blame others for telling you the truth and accuse them being rude. They are saying 100% what they wanted you to change and trust me THAT NEEDED TO BE CHANGED if you want a functional social life! I don’t want to be snarky but I just don’t think he’ll ever change and I don’t want to be committed to bad smell. I saw him reacting to whom told him that he smelled bad and I don’t want to be “rude", too. I just left. Maybe for him it’s sudden and abruptly, but I just don’t think our takes on self-awareness are compatible and I don’t want to spend my life arguing about this.

And then I met another guy, we’re never on the same page, when he wanted to mingle, I wanted to keep distance, when I wanted to dance, he shut me out. And like every unpredictable men, he’s always the victim. I was always the cold-hearted woman, he’s always hurt, and whenever he’s being obscure, ofc he could pretend that didn’t happen and just pick up where we’ve left. I FUCKING DON’T WANT TO PICK IT UP! So I told him I was dating someone who I really enjoy being with and will stop seeing other men, because, he vanished over 1 month and decided to just show up and pretend it was natural how things ended. IT WAS ENDED CUZ YOU VANISHED DUDE! Take at least 2 teaspoons of responsibilities of this please. Jeez! What he said next really just confirmed that he’s the opposite of a keeper. He said “Understand, I am, too. (dating someone)"

THEN WHY THE FUCK YOU’RE STILL MESSING AROUND TEXTING YOUR PAST DATES?

What does it say about you?

And even if he’s boasting to save face or make me feel bad, that would just prove that a person’s age doesn’t necessarily match their level of maturity. He’s over 50 for god’s sake.

And I don’t feel bad at all. If anything else I just feel good that I get to see him better and kick him out of my life.

So, I’m dating this amazing guy.

He’s the positive power in my recent life so I won’t go into details here as this seems to be full of shitty experiences. Also I’m sleepy.

*He made me listen to Boyz II Men “I’ll make love to you" all night.

**No no, he didn’t force me. Just he’s really making me happy and feel that way when we had sex.

[????]

I like that we met in a book shop.

I like that you touched my elbow when we’re queuing.

I like that you’re so sweet and brought me a case for my new airpods.

I like that we took a walk and you suggested to hold my hands.

I like that you named it a “new question".

I like how big your palms are.

I like that you asked “is here ok"

I like that you said you want to see how would it go.

You said I deserve it, that’s very sweet.

I of course was emotional.

I of course was scared.

I let you in.

It was really scary to open up to someone.

I like that when you speak, it was always very gentle.

Even when you were being sarcastic.

I like that you like the smell of me.

I like that you thought it would be a kiss on the lips but it was more. (and I said we could do that but you said not a chance and we kissed again)

I like that you wanted to kiss me again in 7-11 but it was freakin 7-11 so we didn’t.

I like that you kiss me through masks.

I like a lot of things on that day.

I like that you looked me in the eyes.

I like that you said I can let go if I wanted to and I said the same,

but we still held hands.

I like how cute and funny you are.

I like that you like me.

I like a lot of things happened that day.

I like you like my mathematics about sex.

I wish I am smart enough this time to make things work.

Just when I’m making the wish, I’m still thinking.

“What have we gotten ourselves into."

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