I guess it is ominous to have 90% time in silence in a date, right?

Also not a good sign to feel “exhausted" after that, huh?

So maybe hormones are fu__cking me up as well, I’m very much in the mood to be the kind of girl who saved a cute, nerdy guy with my charm.

Charm my ass…

Well it’s not like I did not see his flaws in the date (I’m gonna call it a date anyway, I was preparing myself for a date so I’m viewing it as a date, maybe things will be better when expectations meet reality)

But even now I feel bad to type it and record it, cuz it feels like I’m accusing him for the date.

It’s fragile to admit I was romanticizing it before.

He’s friendly, he checked in every weekend, he was nice even when I ditched him, he was checking if I was ok.

But maybe that is a “it goes like this", and one day (if we were to be close one day) I will meet my “f— you". Who the fuc* know?

Do I want to hold his hands? Oh yes.

Do I want to hug him? Oh yes.

Do I want to kiss him? Oh I guess. (It’s COVID time and I’m sorta traumatized now. Any oral movement doesn’t seem to be smart.)

But do I like him?

I met my ex who is a total douche bag, a fuck-up.

There were a lot of similarities between this and that, even the way we met (I approached them both and initiated the conversation).

I feel immature and irresponsible to want to feel the attention and love again.

It hurts to feel stable with someone and then had to look back and find out the missing pieces in the past to prove that it was not a good idea.

I’m looking at those missing pieces now to a degree that I feel I’m obsessed to red flags.

Into video games? No no.

Fuc* it, my favorite podcaster loves to play video gamesssssss!

And the reality is,

I’m expecting someone who pushes me to be better and regards me as a force to be a better man.

But what I learn from history is that,

it is a question that is proposed because we want to believe the answer that we created is true.

The question should never be “do you believe there is one for every one?"

The question is always “could one fully embrace one’s self?"

I want to believe the answer is no.

As we always will be affected by others, external stimuli.

But if we learn more about what’s within that controls most of our negativeness, suppresses our confidence, instincts, feelings, desires…

I believe we will get along with ourselves better.

“I am enough." yeah sounds cheesy.

But everything starts after you accept what’s going on now, both inside and out.

It’s when you could decide to change the way to look at things or make a change.

As long as anxiety and uncertainty are sorta sorted.

Ok my point is,

Do I miss being special? Oh yeah.

Do I miss be complimented and wanted? OOh yeah (otherwise why the contacts?)

Do I want to feel pretty? Well that part didn’t fail, I did feel beautiful.

So, um,

No need to shout out “Next!" so quickly, everyone knows you’re doing it cuz you feel embarrassed.

Tying to please someone because you want to be pleased, and once you don’t feel any feedback, you try harder.

Fu**, that sucks!

But I don’t wanna judge myself that hard neither do I want to deny the chance that it is true.

So, the best thing I could do is:

Sleep away.

Fu**

Here’s the thing, there’s a tinder match guy who I dated 3 times in Oct., so everybody shared their stories, and like every other tinder stories of mine he flied back to where he was after that. However he’s still in contact, and things are a bit different with him cuz he needs to come back every once in a while. So I stayed in touch, even shared a little bit of my life. At first he said he will be back in November, asked me to not to see anyone before that, I found it weird, I acted tamed but of course I’m still meeting people whenever I can. He said he had crush on me, hopes that he meant more than a hookup to me (hinting that I should see him as a boyfriend to be) and is considering me as future girlfriend. I know he got pretty strong ego but it never really gets on my nerve. What’s skeptical is he read and replies msg slow, not really what you’ll do to a “people who you think attractive." Anyway around 2-3 weeks ago he said he got something to confess, sent 2-3 photos of a posh lady saying it’s his girlfriend, saying she won some beauty contests in Hanoi and this and that. I know he said this to get me jealous and I couldn’t care less about it so I said “if she has a brother he will be gorgeous too". OK here’s the thing, we are not each other’s anyone so he does whatever he wants to, but he keeps saying that he will feel jealous if I am seeing someone and have emotional connection to him.  Sooooo, um, a girlfriend?! I wouldn’t go into things like this, I am never a “team player" in the relationship, I only care about one, ok two, me and my guy. So when he was explaining how delicate her skin is (ewwww) but it’s just for sex and she can’t even speak English and is not learning hard either I’m the one he’s considering to have a meaningful relationship with I’m smart and sexy and I’m his type blah, I was literally reading thinking about what movie I wanted to watch later when he’s talking about it during the call. So anyway not any of those irritates me really, I found him fun but also had the idea that he’s a douche, he knew girls come on to him cuz he’s wealthy but doesn’t want to change and will never change cuz he thinks the problems are on them only. So he finally decided that he will be be back here right after Christmas, he asked me to check hotel for him, and there was obscured discussion about we are going to spend time together for a trip, but never going specific where and when. A friend of mine asked me if I want to meet on a day which is during the time he’s here. I was thinking he didn’t really tell me when he want to be with me, but since he’s from far I still let him have the priority of my time. So he’s coming in the week, I found him posted a picture of him and the girl in his car, smiling and looking happy for the ride. He knew I’ll see that, and by seeing how happy the girl is I feel terribly bad. If he could say something indicating the girl is nothing but fresh meat, he could have said something really bad (and mean to women as well) to her about me. So um, we’re in his pool now?! Not surprisingly, soon after he posted it, he sent me a msg with some random topic, I know he just want to make sure I see the picture. “Hey, feeling jealous? I can get a girl like this!" Fu_k it, I’m out. I deleted him and that was the only connection between us so he’s completely bye bye in my life. We all know there’s a typical impression about women’s drama, yes yes we all know, there are tons of guys putting lines on tinder like “not looking for drama." BUT THIS IS A MALE VERSION OF DRAMA and it’s not any cleverer AT ALL! To have girls fighting over his attention and feels satisfied and confident about it?! No no no not my game, if he’s wasting my time there’s only one thing I can do cuz I value my time very much. CUT HIM OUT.

Well, I lied. I became quite active after a while. Now I look back, I think I can call myself a talented apprentice in this world. I’ll share some details when my mind is clear and when I finish work (seems to be impossible to meet that day). I set a golden rule for this things:

“Online dating app is a quick solution for sex, loneliness, and boredom, or a mix of all 3. All basic human needs."

It’s really nothing shameful or should be judged if you know it and admit it and don’t challenge it with your crystal clear kind heart.

To admit you’re not a Saint is the way to having some burdenless fun, really.

You’re here for sex, too. And if he is way out of your league, you can claim him as “a friend" to protect your ego. But if he’s that and wants to go further then WHY NOT? But if he’s not that attractive then it has to depends on how much time you have, how far you are from your place, how bad were your days that you need a cuddle even it’s not that high quality one, and need to estimate will he send greetings 3 times (good morning, afternoon, night) a day after an awkward date (apparently he didn’t figure that) which you can’t care less and only read them when the greetings are already not matching present time. But if it seems fine and his personality is cooler than he looks, then it’s a go, if not, you can tell him you need to meet someone later so “it’s fun, we should do it next time." and block him later. If he’s really not your type, tell him from the beginning you got something to do later and really need to leave in an hour and you’re very sorry and will make it up to her next time. (and block him later)

There’s always a way to guard your precious time, don’t be naive. Think about it, if you’re a single parent like me or simply has obligations in life (which I believe everyone somewhat does), you leave your kids (or someone you care and value the most in life) for this, it has to deserve that which means you have to at least have fun, no matter what fun that is, tolerating a dull date is like mars to earth, far away from fun.

I don’t know if this thing exists in real life, but if it doesn’t, I’m going to name it to weigh it down on earth : “extra kindness."

People do things with a purpose, even if an non-intentional walk is intended for a leisure moment allowing your head blank. Philip Seymour Hoffman in The Ides of March said to Ryan Gosling :

" No Stephen. You didn’t make a mistake. You made a choice. You called me and left a message to call back…that it was important. But when I did…you said to forget about it. You chose not to tell me. Why did you make that choice? “

Of course sneaky Ryan replied: “I didn’t think it was important."

Philip won’t let him, he pushed:

“Sure you did. But you went because you were curious, because you were flattered. Because it made you feel special to think Duffy wanted to speak to you instead of me."

Yes of course, you do everything for a reason. You won’t admit cuz you’re not sure yet if it will get there.

I’m recently spending time with a man, and to be frankly, I spend more time and energy on him than on my kids.

This has been seen by my mom, who pushes me back to the right track.

I keep telling myself, this is nothing, he’s just nice. We’re just friends getting along. But the truth is he’s still married despite what he said. And most of all, probably proves that he’s a good person material cuz he never said “I love you", “I adore you", “I like you", “I have a thing with you." And who would talk with someone everyday online, saying good morning and good night, asking how are you? what are you doing? how’s morning/lunch/evening/nighttime/late night there pretty much everyday?

And I realize that despite I act like (and thought I think and feel in the same way) it’s casual, fun and stuff. I was eating frozen cheesecake from cheesecake factory and had no magic bubble around when the entire night I didn’t get any msg from him. So, I think I want to go forward. And this moment he’s just a person who listens, responds nicely and appropriately, and happens to be a guy. Should be able to withdraw from this asap.

I want to appreciate myself a bit more. Maybe what I was neglected is that I do enjoy being alone.

And… Gosh, I need to focus on my work a bit more seriously, I’m super super slow.

So I visited a friend with a gang of friends last weekend, how I did that? Simple, carrying mommy guilty and move on. I made an Apple Crostata for friend, which kept me awake almost the night before going, I’m gonna say I was way too excited as well. I’m the one who booked everyone’s ticket so I can’t be late, luckily snooze didn’t strike in the awkward moment when I only have 1.5 hour to sleep. It’s really good to be in a gang, which means you will have your photos taken, not selfie, it feels good to have some photo taken by others, make you feel beautiful. Yes that’s how shallow I am. Beautiful things don’t ask for attention is true, so as this, nothing conflicts with another. PEOPLE NEED TO HAVE PICTURE TAKEN BY OTHERS! Yes when I can’t convince people, I raise my voice, or capitalize my words.

So being a mom, not being able to play tennis often, I think I can play well still. Not super duper well but steadily well. When you play well you enjoy the fun, seriously struggling with failures can really drag one down. Sewer level down.

I love everything about Hualien, think I should visit Taitung as well. The air, the slow pace, the greenery, the cloud lingering the mountains. Everything makes you feel like a natural human being again. Eastern Taiwan has what it takes to wash away all the artificial elements in the society. IT DOES!

These couple of days my mood is a bit dicey, for I bumped into my ex on a bus, on the second realizing he’s on the bus that I wanted to take, I immediately jumped away and didn’t get on. I was carrying my second child and pretty sure he saw me. Was thinking, ok, so this is a life of only having NT.50 for a lunchbox (bus ride takes NT.15), and, that was a Friday evening after work hour, I didn’t get to see who he’s with, would be “fun" to confront him, but my body just repel to get close, and I understand why I’m having this physical response.

After that, ran into him again two just days ago, I was on the bus and his figure just appears somewhere on the street, and yes, it’s just right at where he ambiguously states just “renting a bed," hmm… and again it’s not far from my house. Jeez.

Mom was so speechless to know this person’s action, by still staying here, by lying still, by make up things just like that, by daring not to be true nor to disappear but disturbing our lives by sending nonsense emails and stuff. Dad told her, “cuz it’s his language." I find that really witty, yeah, we don’t understand how can a person be like this, but for him, it’s his way to communicate always, it’s just us who used to listen to his words now knowing it’s all about lies. Would one really missed and cares so much about one’s children but sits on the bus, watches them leave and does nothing? Well too many things like this that sound unbelievable however I still believed. Many thoughts we are having now, wondering how on earth he puts world like this just like that. But the thing is, this is really his language, a language I misinterpreted, and a language that we don’t listen to anymore. Things are really easy. And the wittiest thoughts most often pops up in the simplest form.

So yes, being single again makes me want to date. And I updated my bio on language exchange website, downloaded some APP to entertain myself. The language exchange website goes pretty well, make some new friends who are fun to hang out or to chat with. It means something to talk about nothing, chatting with people and keeping myself socialized inspires me to be creative in communicating and reflects what’s on my mind at the same time. Nothing can go wrong with that. However, things are different with Tinder. Well, even chicken know that this is the App for hookups, so, try to lower expectations on deep thoughts exchange, it’s the App revealing basic human desire: sex. So inevitably, you will get some photo exchange request (don’t, by the way. If you’re not really into hookups.), location confirmation (to make sure the whole thing is cost-effective), most favorite sex gestures (it’s actually fun and one might have their eyeballs exploded while googling), and some other things to complete the pre-mating process. All those are fun until the thrill of being single again has being overpowered by real-life identities, so besides a wife that I used to be, a woman I still am, I’m also a daughter and a mom, and those conflicted with these a bit in a way. So time for me to make a little bit of change now. Thank you Tinder, for the wide range of knowledge in human body and the blue jokes (something with snow white and fizzy drinks and another one with a woman wanting to be sperm donor). Thank you technology, for keeping one entertained when the circumstances is a bit hard for one to feel so. And, hello free porn on the internet. (joking) ((or was I?)) (((yes, I am.))) ((((no, I’m lying)))) ((((trying to put an obscure ending by overusing the brackets))))) ((((((hope it works))))))) (((((((please tell me it works))))))) ((((((((and hoping my families will never see this post)))))))) (((((((((sometime fear gives strength to the scary thing to come alive)))))))) (((((((((I hope this is not one of it))))))))) ((((((((((finger crossed))))))))))

This March I’ve endured the most embarrassing, heartbroken betrayal from my ex husband, the story was ugly, not gonna look back or explain in detail, let’s say everyone got what one deserves. I treat this as a second chance in my life. I became a single mom with two lovely kids (which might be the 98% of my love life from that moment on). I start this blog so I get to know what was going on in this journey. Sometime I feel I’m blessed, and other time I feel I’m stuck. When tiny things I do not expect take place, my mind turns upside down again, so I realize thoughts can be a boat takes me everywhere or a jail locks me up in the same place. And some other time I just need to wait for the difficult moment to pass, trust me, this needs practice and this is the core for being strong instead of achieving something remarkable. (of course you can accomplish something big, but this is what it takes really. 平凡中見偉大, 有時候會忘記這個道理)

And hopefully for whom is watching and being a single parent, struggling to bring up children with mediocre salaries, taking care of coughing-all-night kids with 20-sec to shower and hugging them in 2:40 am while water is dripping from your hair persons, or, basically anyone who feel stuck in lives sometimes, this blog gives you courage and strength to carry on, the wisdom to accept what hits you in life, also reminds you the necessity to protect yourself, and appreciate air, water, sun, bird humming sounds, flowers from the bottom of your heart. 🙂 cheers.